April 20, 2012
life can throw you curveballs, kid
Love isn’t about the butterflies or the fireworks or the urgency, or the made-up bullshit that you feel when you first meet someone. It isn’t about that overcoming feeling that you will, very literally, die if that person decides you are not the one. It’s not about that deep jealousy, the loud fights, the insecurities, the need to know what that person is doing 24/7. All of this is fantasy and obsession. You should never feel any of this in a healthy relationship…
Love is about friendship and trust. It’s about the confidence you have in each other, the ability to talk about things without becoming irrational and turning it into something it isn’t, the idea that no one will ever come in between the two of you even though you could let your mind wander and worry. It just doesn’t happen, the comfort of not even a hint of jealousy, the laughter of a silly inside joke, the level of complete honesty with each other.
I have fooled myself into ‘love’ several times now with the same person and I have finally come to some conclusion about the feelings I had. It’s almost that knowledge in the back of your head that there is someone else and it will never be you… like you have to prove something to yourself or them. What a contagious game this ‘love’ is, the pain and the drama just keeps you coming back for more. Real love is something I can’t wait to experience. It’s not hard, it’s a simple feeling that comes with time and patience. I know it’s out there...
But, there's another thing about love - it's comes from you. I've spent the majority of two years now thinking that it doesn't. Thinking that I am not good enough. Thinking that I am a bad person. Thinking that if I change myself and seem 'happier', he'll come back to me. He'll have to come back to me.
But the life I have? I have worked so hard to be where I am. I am so, so lucky to have my life. It's everything I have ever wanted.
So, I'm going to be happy about my life. For me. I've got to be happy about my life. Without that, I will never find love. Love for myself. Love for my family. Love for my friends. Love for another. Without an agenda. Without 'needing' them to make me feel complete.
This blog post isn't about sympathy. It's about me putting my feelings out into the world and embracing what I have. It's about making something concrete that reminds myself that I do not need to be unhappy.
Because me? I am enough for myself. I've just never realized it - until today.