July 27, 2012
on weathering the hard stuff
A lot of bloggers talk about how they like to 'keep it positive' on their blogs. How they know that everyone has their problems and so therefore they strive to err on the side of happiness so that people will want to read. If they talk about the hard stuff in their lives, then readers won't want to listen because why read something that is as depressing as your own life?
I'm afraid my blog is becoming that sad blog.
I haven't been blogging for that very reason. I wanted to avoid being the 'sad blog.' But, screw it, sad feelings are a part of life. And blogs are supposed to be a part of your life, right?
My life is in a weird, transitory place right now. I hate school, but I desperately want to finish my degree. Therefore, I'm stuck in misery for another year. I want to move to NYC when I finish school, but everything I have known for the past ten years is in Maryland and I don't want to leave that behind. I am struggling to get over an ex-boyfriend who was and still is a complete asshole to me. But, everything reminds me of him and he won't ever leave me alone. So, I still want to leave to get away from him.
See where I'm at right now?
Part of me wonders when things are going to get better. I've felt trapped like this since I got dumped by the same shitty ex-boyfriend. Yes, there have been amazing things that have happened since. But, in general, I have not been a happy person. Partly because I was upset about him. But, partly because I haven't been able to find happiness. Most days I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. What's a girl to do?
That's why I want a clean start. I want to try again and remake myself to be that happy person. But, that new start comes with reluctance and with reluctance comes new sadness. It's a never-ending cycle that I am not sure how to handle. I want to be happy. I want to find someone who makes me happy. I want to find happiness in school
But finding happiness is easier said than done for me right now.
I know I've been kind of vague about what is and isn't making me happy but at the same time, I've been very truthful. I feel unhappy because of a result of a lot of things in my life - there isn't a specific event that has brought me here. It's a mass exodus of things and I'm sick of it.