...and I am still unemployed. I quit my waitressing job a few weeks ago after coming home night after night in tears with the promise on my lips of, "by the end of August, I will be employed." That was my goal. That was what I told myself. A few weeks of hard job searching, sending my resume out to every single person I could come in contact with, a job was just going to appear.
I was sure of it.
But now I write to you from a Panera with tears in my eyes and frustration in my heart. I worked hard this past month and did exactly that but I am still unemployed without even the promise of a job interview coming through my phone. School started this week in Virginia and UMD's move-in was this past weekend. I look out the window in the morning and I see kids getting on the school bus and parents driving to work. I check Facebook and I see photos of my school, my apartment and my performing arts center all bustling with the life of my friends again. And I realize that only three months ago I was that person too. Someone who woke up in the morning and went to school and was needed by other people and it was everything I craved. My email was constantly flowing with things from my job, my classes and my shows and I loved every second of it. People needed me and wanted me to make art with them and collaborate and work and do things on a daily basis. It was my lifeblood for all four years that I spent in college and I loved every second of the bustling energy that it brought into my life.
And that's what I'm frustrated with the most. That I wake up in the morning without a purpose like I have had these past four years. Sure, I can clean and I can cook and I can run errands and do little things for David and wash my car and finally clean out my email and update this blog and I enjoy doing those things a lot but that's not filling my days like I am used to - like I want them to.
But that's the problem now. What do I want, really? How am I going to find that job or purpose or opportunity that fulfills me in the way that college did? I'm not sure if I want to act or be involved with theatre right now. I don't say that in a negative or disparaging way - I just have this sneaking feeling that that is not the direction my life is moving for these next few years. Which is a whole new identity crisis in and of itself and if I start thinking about ALL of these things then I have a small panic attack and start crying like I am doing right now in this Panera and all of a sudden I am that girl, the girl that cries in public but part of me says that it's OK, it's OK because you're changing and your life is changing and maybe now you are actually that girl that cries in public these days and there's nothing wrong with that because at least you're being real and honest with yourself.
Maybe this is life's way of giving me a wake-up call. I'm not religious by any means but ever since I was a child I have known and believed in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I moved down here to meet David. Maybe I moved down here to find that job to fulfill me. Maybe I moved down here to just learn how to slow it down and be OK with not having to do something everysecondofeveryday without ever stopping.
But what I do know right now is that I'm impatient. I want whatever is coming for me here and I want it now. And that's not going to happen. And I have to find a way to be OK with that.